Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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