You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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