dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
