I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
