I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
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