if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
