wakey wakey hands off snakey
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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