So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
