haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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