Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
worst night to have a conscience
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
