Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
