pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Found your dick twin last night
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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