I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
