What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
