Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
