So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
