The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
