mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
