i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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