wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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