I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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