Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Your penis caused this!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
