Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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