I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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