If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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