Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
