I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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