did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
