just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
COCAINE IS GR8
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
