Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
