When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
me + whiskey = a bad person
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
