all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
