There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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