dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
