how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
