How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
