I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
