I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
