I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
