Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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