walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
