Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im about as happy as oj after his trial
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
