i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
