dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
