If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Randomize
