the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
