Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
