the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
