I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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