did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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